How an Alcohol Free Challenge made me realize I’m an Alcoholic
“See, I don’t have a problem!” Me — 2 hours before vomiting all over my kid’s bathroom.
There I was, one year without drinking, I did it!
Last New Years Eve I noticed that, if I had even one drink, I was becoming majorly depressed for days after. Over the holidays I had made some questionable decisions which lead my wife to tell me she thought I had a drinking problem. On Christmas Eve I got so drunk that I couldn’t put together my daughter’s dollhouses and had to have a friend and my wife put it together while I laid on the ground David Hasselhoff style. The thing was, I never had an urge to drink, so I thought she was overreacting to a mistake. “It’s the holidays, we all drink too much!” or “I had been stressed because of PTSD, and being off work”, I thought.
I decided to prove to myself, and my wife, that I didn’t have a drinking problem and gave up alcohol for an entire year. That’s right, I gave up alcohol during a pandemic when most people picked it up. It wasn’t easy for me but it went more smooth that I had expected; I rarely had a craving for alcohol.
Growing up religious, I didn’t start drinking until I was 23, so it’s not surprising I have no desire for it. I started with a girlfriend, whom was an alcoholic and into cocaine; when I began, I was like an Amish teenager on Rumspringa. We would go shot for shot with vodka until we ran out, or we both blacked out. Super cool, right?
My year off drinking was going well; I had urges to drink when I saw my wife having a nice wine, but I was on a mission. I was going to prove to everyone that I could do it, and that I, out of anyone, didn’t have a problem.
On New Years Eve 2020 I had accomplished my goal — I did it! Everyone else could suck it. One year off booze. See? No problem here! Let’s have a celebratory beer that I had been dreaming of for the past month, after all, it’s New Years, lets celebrate this horrible year being over!
In 30 minutes I was about 5 beers in because I wanted to feel “drunk” again. I was like a kid with candy on Halloween — I couldn’t stop. Then, like a kid with too much candy, I proceeded to throw up (while stone-cold sober) all over my daughter’s bathroom. I would correct my aim to the toilet, but not the bowl. Overlooking my kid’s toilet is this glittery picture that says “you can’t handle this sparkle”; seemingly mocking me for covering her princess potty in the soup and salad I had consumed, along with about a gallon of a nice Winter Ale.
I did whatever any classy parent would do. I cleaned it all up with toilet paper and finished the beer I was half-way through, and cracked another one. My wife was tired and had gone to bed, so I stayed up, by myself, drinking until I realized we were out of alcohol. How was that possible? I must have drank another 6 pack after vomiting. Is that possible? I don’t know if my liver was super human now, but I never ended up getting drunk. I had chased it for hours, making a fool out of myself and came to the realization I was like Frank the Tank from the movie “Old School”, and I couldn’t stop once it touched my lips.
This year did give me a lot of time to reflect on the fact that I couldn’t moderately drink. I chose not to listen to what I had learned, and paid the price; though, and I am 6 days off alcohol again.
I’m fortunate that I don’t have the need to drink but am horrendously excessive when I do; which means quitting is a lot easier for me than chronic drinkers. Paying attention to how alcohol made me feel in the mornings was a big motivator to stop. I found out by watching my mood, and my hangovers, that alcohol never did anything for me. All it did was make me feel awful physically and emotionally for days afterwards.
Everyone has a different story and relationship with alcohol. What has helped me the most is being aware of what you put in your body and how you feel afterwards. This has led me to eat better, exercise, and stop drinking.
If you need help and don’t know where to start, countless apps are available that can help you get a handle on your drinking if you’re thinking of taking a break. I use “I Am Sober” — It puts me in contact with other people on the same day of sobriety as myself, which I find helpful. It also gives me rewards for hitting milestones helping me stay motivated.
I never had a drink where the next day I thought “that’s a great idea” and I’ve never gone on a run and regretted doing it the next day.
-Sam Elliott